


The Road to El Dorado: Hazbin Hotel Edition

by FurbyDisaster53



Series: Hazbin Hotel Movie Parodies [20]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Road to El Dorado Fusion, Humor, M/M, Parody, The Road to El Dorado (2000) References, just go with it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29771334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FurbyDisaster53/pseuds/FurbyDisaster53
Summary: Baxter and Nifty are con artists who accidentally stumble upon a map to El Dorado, the city of gold. However, the city turns out to be inhabited, and Baxter and Nifty are mistaken for gods.
Relationships: Angel Dust/Baxter (Hazbin Hotel), Baxter & Niffty (Hazbin Hotel)
Series: Hazbin Hotel Movie Parodies [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974124
Comments: 83
Kudos: 14





	1. Loaded Dice

Many years ago, in early Spain, explorers would often voyage to the New World. They were usually looking to claim gold and territory. One of the most notable explorers, a man named Alastor Landry, was about to set out on an expedition. 

A crowd had gathered to watch him leave, and Alastor sat atop his horse, Fat Nuggets. “Today, I shall conquer the New World! For Spain. For glory. For gold!” he exclaimed, as the people cheered.

Meanwhile, in a small alleyway, some gambling was going on. Partners in crime, Nifty and Baxter, were betting against a man named Fizzaroli. “Seven!” Baxter cheered, when he saw the results of his dice toss.

“Yes! Good job, Baxter!” Nifty smiled.

“Thanks, Nifty,” Baxter replied.

Nifty pulled out her guitar and started strumming. “Tons of gold for you, hey! Tons of gold for me, hey! Tons of gold for we, hey!” she said.

“Would you shut up already?!” Fizzaroli shouted. “One more roll,” he added.

“Sorry guys, but you’re broke. You have nothing to bet with,” Baxter shrugged.

“Yeah? I have this,” Fizzaroli grinned, as he pulled out a map.

“A map?” Baxter asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“A map!” Nifty excitedly repeated.

“A map of all the cool shit in the New World,” Fizzaroli replied.

“Can I see?” Nifty asked. When Fizzaroli nodded, Nifty grabbed the map and started looking at it. “Baxter! Baxter, look! Hell Dorado! The city of gold. This could be our destiny! Our fate,” said Nifty. 

“I’m a man of science, Nifty. I don’t believe in fate. If I did, I wouldn’t be playing with loaded dice,” Baxter whispered. Nifty gave him puppy eyes, and he sighed. “Not the face,” he said. 

Before they could deliberate further, Fizzaroli took his map back. “Whaddya say? My map against your cash,” he said.

Baxter looked at Nifty one more time, then he sighed. “Alright, dickweed, you’re on,” he said, as he began to shake his blue dice.

“Hang on a sec! This time, we use my dice,” Fizzaroli said, as he held out his red and green dice.

“Um….” Baxter started.

“Is there a problem?” Fizzaroli asked.

“Nope! Nope. Not at all,” Baxter said, as he nervously took the dice. 

He glared at Nifty, who gave him an apologetic look, then he began shaking his dice. “C’mon, baby. Daddy needs that shitty map,” he muttered.

As Baxter shook the dice, Nifty played dramatic music on her guitar. “Show me seven!” he yelled, before dropping the dice.

Everyone watching held their breath as they gazed at the dice. Miraculously, they landed on seven. “Seven! Hell yeah!” Baxter exclaimed.

“Woohoo!” cheered Nifty.

Baxter quickly took the map and the rest of their winnings. “Well guys, this was fun,” he said, as his loaded dice tumbled out of his pocket.

Fizzaroli noticed how they landed on seven. He picked the dice up and tossed them, and they landed on seven every time. “I knew it! Your dice are fucking loaded!” he shouted.

Baxter and Nifty stood there in shock, then Baxter shot Nifty an accusatory look. “You gave me loaded dice?” he asked, before bumping into a guard. “She gave me loaded dice! Guard, arrest this girl!” he ordered.

“Don’t fall for those lies of his! Baxter was the one who was cheating! Arrest him. He tricked these sailors and took their money,” Nifty returned, as she shoved Baxter.

“Oh so I’m the thief? Take a look in the mirror!” Baxter yelled, as the two began attracting more attention. 

“You better give that money back or….” Nifty began, as she grabbed a sword from a nearby guard. “Ha ha!” she exclaimed.

“I’ll give you the honor of a quick and painless death!” Baxter grinned, as he grabbed a tiny dagger from a guard. “But not with that,” he said, before he took the sword. 

The two of their swords collided, and they smirked at one another. “Any last words?” Baxter asked.

“I’ll cut you to pieces!” Nifty replied. 

“Please, is that really the best you can do? I think you should let your sword do the talking,” Baxter said. 

The two of them continued sword fighting, and they climbed onto a nearby roof. The fight ended when Nifty took Baxter’s sword from him. The two of them bowed before the confused crowd. “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re calling it a tie!” Nifty exclaimed, as she threw the swords down.

“You’ve been a great audience! See you again soon!” Baxter smiled, as the two of them climbed down the other side of the roof. “I’ve got to hand it to you, Nifty. That was one of our better escapes,” he said.

“Awww, thanks! You did great too,” Nifty replied. Just then, the two of them noticed the bull standing right in front of them. “So...what now?” Nifty whispered. 

“Okay, okay...um...you pet him,” Baxter replied.

“Okay,” Nifty nodded.

“And I’ll….run!” Baxter yelled, as he ran off. Nifty quickly followed, and the bull chased after them.

Nifty and Baxter ran through the city, being followed by the bull and guards. Soon the two of them made it to a ledge, and the only thing they could safely land in were barrels of water. 

“I bet we can make that!” Nifty smiled.

“Two persuaders says we can’t,” Baxter replied.

The two of them looked back and saw the guards coming towards them. “You’re on!” Nifty exclaimed.

The two of them jumped off the ledge and landed in the barrels. “I win!” Nifty cheered, as Baxter tossed two coins over to her. 

The two placed the lids on their barrels, then they were picked up and carried to a ship. “What’s going on?” Nifty asked.

“We’re both in barrels. That is the extent of my knowledge,” Baxter replied.

Their barrels were set in the corner of the boat. “Okay, okay. On three, we jump out and head for the dock,” Baxter said.

“Good plan!” Nifty replied. “One….two….three!” she counted. Before they could jump out, a heavy trunk was placed on the barrels, and it kept them from pushing the lids open.

The boat began heading out to sea, while Baxter and Nifty were still stuck inside the barrels.


	2. The Stowaways

By nightfall, the fleet of ships had gone far out to sea. Baxter and Nifty were still trying to escape their barrels, but the trunk on top of them was still in place. “One more time?” Baxter whispered.

“Sure, sure,” Nifty replied. At that moment, the trunk was moved off the barrels.

“One...two….three!” Baxter yelled.

The two of them sprung out of the barrels, and everyone on the ship stared at them. Baxter had no idea what to say, and Nifty just waved. “Hi!” she said.

Soon, the two of them were shackled, and brought before Alastor. “My crew was carefully hand selected, and I refuse to tolerate stowaways. The two of you will be flogged. And when we reach Cuba to resupply, you’ll be flogged even more. Finally, I’ll either kill you, or you’ll be enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your pathetic lives. It all depends on my mood. Guards, bring them to the brig,” Alastor said.

“....neat! Cuba!” Nifty smiled, trying to lighten the mood. After that, Baxter and Nifty were dragged to the brig below the ship. They spent the night there. They were cold, alone, and had no chance for escape. 

The next morning, Vortex, a cook aboard the ship, walked by Fat Nuggets with a bowl of apples. The horse eyed them curiously, but Vortex held the apples out of reach. “Sorry, Fat Nuggets. These aren’t for you. Alastor’s orders,” he said. 

One of the apples rolled out of the bowl, and down the grate leading into the brig. Nifty noticed it land beside her. She looked over, and saw Baxter hitting his head on the wall. “So….how’s the escape plan coming?” she asked. 

“Okay...I’m getting something,” Baxter said, before he hit his head a few more times. “I have it! In the dead of night, you and I will gather some provisions, hijack one of those longboats, and row back to Spain!” he explained.

“All the way to Spain?” Nifty asked.

“Yep,” Baxter answered.

“In a tiny lifeboat?” Nifty asked. Baxter nodded again. “That’s your plan?” she asked.

“Basically, yes,” Baxter replied.

“I like it! So, how are we going to get on deck?” Nifty asked.

“Uh...I haven’t exactly worked that part out yet,” Baxter said.

“Oh. I’m sure we can think of something! Like uh….hm…” Nifty started.

“You don’t have any ideas either, do you?” Baxter asked. 

“I’m sure it’ll come to me!” Nifty replied. Just then, she heard Fat Nuggets neighing on the deck. “And I think it just did! Give me a boost,” she said. 

Nifty stood on Baxter’s shoulders and stuck her hand through the grate, holding up the apple. “Pssst! Fat Nuggets! Do you want a delicious apple?” Nifty whispered.

Fat Nuggets curiously walked over, eyeing the piece of fruit. “But you’ll have to do a trick for me first! You need to find us a pry bar. A long piece of metal, with a hook thingy on the end,” Nifty explained.

“Nifty, you’re talking to a horse,” Baxter stated.

Nifty smiled as Fat Nuggets trotted off. “Good boy, Nuggets! Find the prybar!” Nifty called.

“Yes, find the pry bar. He’s a stupid horse. There is no way in hell he will understand-,” Baxter began, just as Fat Nuggets dropped a ring of keys through the grate. “Well….it isn’t a pry bar,” Baxter said.

That night, Baxter and Nifty snuck onto the deck and started filling a rowboat with supplies. Fat Nuggets walked over to Nifty, and she started to pet him. “Thanks for your help, Nuggets! You’re such a good boy,” she said.

“For fuck’s sake, Nifty. He’s a warhorse, not a poodle. Let’s go!” Baxter hissed, as he climbed into the rowboat.

Nifty followed him, and the two started lowering the boat into the water. Fat Nuggets began neighing, and Baxter looked at the horse, confused. “What’s the matter with him?” he whispered.

“Oh! I think he wants his apple,” Nifty answered, as she grabbed it from her pocket. 

“Then give it to him! He’s going to wake up the whole ship,” Baxter returned.

“Fetch!” Nifty called, as she tossed the apple up. 

Through a strange chain reaction, the apple ended up falling into the water. Fat Nuggets simply decided to dive in after it. “Fat Nuggets!” Nifty exclaimed, before she dove in to try and save him. 

Baxter quickly finished lowering the boat in the water, and he rowed towards the two of them. “HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND?” he shouted. 

“We need to save Nuggets!” Nifty returned. 

Baxter looked up, and a ship was headed towards them. “Holy shit!” he screamed.

Their rowboat was knocked to the side and turned upside down. Nifty, Baxter, and Fat Nuggets were trapped beneath it. “Loop the rope under the horse!” Baxter yelled.

“On it!” Nifty nodded. She did as she was told, then stood on top of the boat with Baxter. 

“On the count of three, pull back on the rope,” Baxter stated.

“Gotcha!” replied Nifty.

“Three!” Baxter shouted, when he saw another boat coming towards them.

The boat was knocked to the side and flipped over once again, but now Fat Nuggets was safely inside the rowboat. Nifty and Baxter swam to the surface, and Nifty smiled. “Baxter! We did it!” she exclaimed.

“Hell yeah we did!” Baxter cheered.

The two of them climbed into the boat, breathing heavily. “Did any of the supplies make it?” Baxter asked.

“Um...kinda?” Nifty replied.

Baxter looked, and he saw Fat Nuggets eating the food they had brought. “Dammit,” he sighed.

“Aww, Baxter! Look on the bright side! Things can’t get any-,” Nifty started, as it began to rain heavily. 

“Were you going to say worse?” Baxter asked.

“Uh….no,” Nifty answered. 

“You’re sure about that?” asked Baxter. 

“Yep. Hey...at least we’re in a rowboat!” Nifty smiled.

“We sure are, Nifty. We sure are,” Baxter deadpanned, as the two of them began paddling.

The pair really had no idea where they were going. All they wanted was to find land as soon as possible. Otherwise, they’d die at sea.


	3. The Trail we Blaze

Baxter, Nifty, and Fat Nuggets had been in that lifeboat for an extremely long time, and they had just about given up hope. “Baxter? Did you ever guess it would end this way?” Nifty asked.

“I mean...the horse is a surprise,” Baxter replied.

“Any regrets?” Nifty asked.

“Besides dying? Yeah. I never...had….enough…..gold,” Baxter sighed.

“My regret, besides dying I mean, is that our greatest adventure is over before we even had it. No one is going to remember us,” said Nifty. 

“I mean...if it’s any consolation, Nifty. You made my life an adventure,” Baxter replied, before he began to cry. 

“And if it means anything, Baxter, you made my life rich,” Nifty added, as tears streamed down her face.

The two of them held their hands off the side of the boat, then they realized they were touching sand. Their boat had washed up on a beach. “It’s land!!” Baxter shouted.

“Woohoo!!” Nifty cheered.

Nifty, Baxter, and Fat Nuggets jumped out of the boat and started kissing the sand. At that moment, they saw skeletons of conquistadors, all with swords through their skulls.

“All in favor of getting back to the boat, say ‘I’,” Baxter said.

“I!” Nifty exclaimed, as Fat Nuggets neighed in agreement.

“Let’s go!” Baxter yelled, as he and Fat Nuggets ran for the boat. 

Nifty turned to follow them, but she stopped to study the landscape. Her eyes landed on a strange looking rock. She pulled out the map, and gasped when she saw that it pictured the same rock.

“Hey! Nifty! Could you help me with the oars?” Baxter called, but Nifty didn’t respond. “Nifty!” he shouted, as he walked over to her.

“Baxter! We found it!” Nifty smiled.

“Is….is that the map?” Baxter asked.

“It’s all right here!” Nifty continued.

“You still have the damn map?” Baxter asked.

“The rock! That stream!” Nifty exclaimed.

“You kept the map, but you couldn’t get more fucking food?!” Baxter shouted.

“Even those mountains! I know you said it couldn’t be possible, but it is! It really is the map to El Dorado!” Nifty finished.

Baxter crossed his arms, and he appeared completely unamused. “You drank sea water, didn’t you?” he asked.

“Oh come on!” Nifty yelled.

“No! I am not coming on! El Dorado is only a myth! I wouldn’t set foot in that jungle for a million persuaders!” returned Baxter.

Nifty thought for a minute, then she smirked. “What about a hundred million?” she asked.

“What do you mean?” Baxter asked.

“I mean...El Dorado is the city of gold,” Nifty shrugged.

“And?” Baxter asked.

“Dust, nuggets, bricks. A temple of gold where you can pick gold from the walls. But you don’t want to go, so let’s get back in the boat and row back to Spain. I’m sure it’ll work this time!” Nifty smiled.

“Nifty, I know what you’re doing, and it isn’t going to work on me. However, I’ll humor you. Only because I don’t want to get lost at sea again. Let’s go find your city of gold. On the off chance we wind up finding something, we can get as much gold as we can before going back to Spain,” Baxter said.

“Yay!” Nifty smiled, as she grabbed a sword off of the beach. “Come on, Baxter! We’ll follow that trail!” she exclaimed.

“What trail?” Baxter asked.

“The trail that we blaze!” Nifty replied.

She used her sword to cut a wall of vines, however it revealed that a wall of stone was on the other side. “Okay….THAT trail that we blaze!” Nifty said, as she pointed her sword in another direction.

Baxter shrugged and followed her, pulling Fat Nuggets along. Fat Nuggets, irritated by being pulled, bit Baxter. “YOUR HORSE BIT ME IN THE ASS!” he screamed.

Baxter, Nifty, and Fat Nuggets trekked through the jungle. Baxter was still sure they wouldn’t find anything, however Nifty was positive they would. 

Their search ended when they wound up at a large rock near a waterfall. “Nifty, I think we’re here,” Baxter said.

“What? This can’t be right!” Nifty exclaimed.

“Evidently, El Dorado is native for huge….fucking….rock!” Baxter yelled. “But hey, I’m feeling generous, so you can have my share!” he said, as he climbed onto Fat Nuggets.

“What if….what if Alastor got here first?” Nifty asked.

“And did what? Did he take all the really big rocks? The bastard!” Baxter returned.

“Baxter, this can’t be it!” Nifty shouted.

“Get. On. The. Horse,” Baxter stated.

Nifty sighed and climbed onto Fat Nuggets without another word.

Just then, a blonde man started running towards them. He was wearing nothing but a loincloth and a crop top, and he was carrying something he had wrapped up. He ran into Fat Nuggets, and gasped.

Nifty and Baxter were confused by the sight of him, but then they saw an entire army run towards them. They tried to escape, but the army surrounded them. Everyone in the army stared at Nifty and Baxter, and no one of them said a word.

The blonde quickly threw whatever he had been holding at Baxter and Nifty. Baxter caught it, but immediately tossed it back to him. The two kept tossing it back and forth between one another, and it ended when the object hit Baxter in the head. 

“Uh…..greetings! Sorry to disturb your….rock. We’re...tourists! And we lost our group. Could we please go now?” Baxter asked. One of the guards pointed a spear in his direction. “...yes, I see your spear. It’s very...um….sharp,” said Baxter.

The guards motioned for Baxter and Nifty to come with them, and they dragged the blonde along. “We’re going to fucking die…” Baxter muttered.

The group walked towards the waterfall, and went into a cave that was behind it. Baxter and Nifty boarded a boat, still clueless as to what was going on. They thought they saw something shining coming from the blonde’s object, but perhaps it was all in their heads.

Finally, they went out on the other side of the cave, and Baxter and Nifty gasped. They were in a canal going through a city, and everything was made entirely of gold. “It’s….El Dorado,” they whispered.


	4. Mighty and Powerful Gods

As Baxter and Nifty rode their boat through the city, they were able to fully take in the sheer magnitude of El Dorado. The city truly was incredible, and every inch of it was covered with glittering gold. As their boat passed, Nifty and Baxter noticed the city’s inhabitants staring at them, although they had no idea why.

Finally, the boat stopped outside of a glittering temple. Nifty and Baxter got out, and looked at one another. “Nifty, if this is the end, I just wanted to say it was nice working with you,” Baxter said.

“Awww! It was nice working with you too, Baxter. But I’m sorry about that boy in Barcelona,” Nifty replied.

Baxter processed what she said, then he glared at her. At that moment, two figures walked out. One was a blonde woman, and the other was a man with dark hair. “Behold! Just as the prophecy said, the time of judgement is now! I told you the gods would come to us! It was just a matter of time!” the man shouted, before he ran over to Nifty and Baxter.

“Your excellencies, I’m Valentino. The high priest of El Dorado, and devoted speaker for the gods,” he said, as he bowed before them.

“Hi!” Nifty smiled, as she waved.

“And I’m Charlie! Chief of El Dorado. So, what can we call you two?” the blonde woman asked.

“I’m Nifty,” Nifty said. 

“And I’m Baxter,” Baxter added. 

“And they call us Nifty and Baxter!” Nifty exclaimed.

“We’ve been waiting for the two of you for some time now,” Valentino smirked.

“Your excellencies, how long will you be staying with us?” Charlie asked.

At that moment, Valentino’s eyes landed on the blonde man, who was still holding his tightly wrapped object. “You!” he shouted, before rushing over and grabbing the blonde by his wrist. He dragged him over to Baxter and Nifty. “This man, Angel, robbed your temple just earlier today! How do you want us to punish him?” Valentino asked.

“Wait! Don’t punish me! I’m not a thief. Ya see….um….the gods sent me a vision! Yeah, they told me to bring ‘em tribute from their temple to guide them here. All I wanna do is serve the gods,” Angel explained.

“Well, release him. I guess,” Baxter shrugged.

Valentino gritted his teeth and let go of Angel. “You better fucking return that tribute,” he said. 

“Yes sir,” Angel nodded, as he headed for the temple.

“Excuse me? Your excellencies, why did you decide to visit us now?” Charlie asked.

“Shut your damn mouth! You don’t question the gods!” Valentino yelled.

“Yeah! Don’t question us, or we’ll have to release our awesome and badass power, and you don’t want that,” Nifty stated, in an attempt to sound more ‘godlike’.

“Yes we do!” Valentino grinned.

“You do?” Nifty asked.

“Yes! Exert your wrath on this skeptical bitch!” Valentino exclaimed.

“Right! Just...give us a second to talk out...what we’ll do,” Baxter said, as he and Nifty turned away from Valentino and Charlie. “Nifty, you know how some people have a little voice that tells them to quit when they’re ahead? I don’t think you have one,” Baxter whispered.

“Sorry! I just got carried away,” replied Nifty.

“Yeah, no shit,” Baxter muttered, as an armadillo scurried over to them.

“Should we just tell the truth and beg for mercy?” Nifty asked.

“Are you kidding? They’ll cut our fucking heads off!” Baxter hissed.

“But if we don’t do some divine act soon, they’ll do it anyway!” Nifty returned, as the armadillo continued to scurry around them.

“Just let me think!” Baxter shouted.

As the two argued, and Baxter got more frustrated, the locals watched in awe as a volcano in the distance appeared to start erupting. After another minute or so, Baxter was completely fed up. “STOP!” he shouted.

The moment Baxter said that, the volcano instantly stopped erupting. All of the locals bowed for Nifty and Baxter, and the two of them struck triumphant poses. “Don’t make us start it up again, because we won’t hesitate!” Nifty exclaimed.

“Your excellencies! Allow me to show you to your temple,” Valentino said. He turned to walk up the stairs, but he saw Charlie standing there. “Step aside, bitch,” he said.

Valentino led the way, followed by Baxter and Nifty, and Charlie came up behind them. By the time they reached the entrance to the temple, Baxter and Nifty were exhausted from the climb, however they tried to play it cool. 

The two of them stepped inside the temple and noted the impressive decor. “In honor of your arrival, I’ll be pleased to hold a ceremony for the two of you at dawn,” Valentino said.

“Oh! And I could hold a feast for you tonight. If you want,” Charlie smiled.

“What would you rather?” Valentino asked.

“Both?” Nifty asked.

“Both,” Baxter nodded.

“Both is good!” Nifty said.

“Perfect. We’ll leave you alone then, your excellencies,” Valentino said, as he and Charlie left the temple. 

Once they thought they were alone, Baxter and Nifty started laughing. “They actually think we’re gods!” Nifty exclaimed.

“It’s a whole city full of idiots!” Baxter replied. They didn’t see him, But Angel poked his head out from behind a corner to listen. “We just have to keep this up long enough to get as much gold as possible and get the hell out of here!” continued Baxter.

“We’ll be living like royalty!” Nifty smiled.

“Nifty and Baxter!” Baxter exclaimed.

“Baxter and Nifty!” Nifty added.

“Mighty and powerful gods!” the two finished.

“Hey there,” Angel smirked, as he walked over to them. Nifty and Baxter immediately screamed, causing Angel to laugh.

“Begone, mortal! Or we’ll...um….strike you with a lightning bolt!” Baxter shouted.

“Beware the wrath of the gods! Begone!” Nifty added.

“Save it for the high priest, babe. Ya gonna need it,” Angel said.

“Dammit. We’ve been caught,” Baxter muttered.

“The two of ya don’t have to worry about me. ‘All I wanna do is serve the gods’, remember?” Angel asked.

“How?” Baxter asked.

“If ya want gold, but ya don’t wanna get caught, ya gonna need my help,” Angel answered.

“What makes you think we need your help?” Baxter asked.

“Ya ain’t exactly intimidating, shorty,” Angel replied.

“So….what do you want?” Nifty asked.

“I want in on the scam,” Angel answered.

“There's no scam! And even if there was….why?” Baxter asked.

“So I can get out. Ya think ya the only ones who want better things? Ya got ya reasons, and I got mine. It’s just business, kay?” Angel asked.

Baxter and Nifty nodded, and Angel smiled. “So when the two of ya are ready to go back to wherever the hell ya came from, I get to go too,” he said.

“Ha! I don’t think so,” Baxter returned.

Angel only shrugged. “Okay then. I bet the two of ya know how to bless a tribute. Plus all the holiest days on the calendar. And don’t get me started with Shi Balba! But if ya don’t want my help….” he said, before he began to walk away. “See ya at the execution,” he finished.

Baxter thought it over for a minute, then he sighed. “Wait!” he shouted, causing Angel to stop.

“So?” Angel asked, as he held out a hand. 

“Deal!” Nifty smiled, as she reached for Angel’s hand.

“Not yet! Let’s see how this works out before we do anything crazy,” Baxter stated, as he held Nifty’s hand. 

“Okay. I guess ya want these back?” Angel asked, as he held out Baxter’s loaded dice. 

“How’d you get those?” Baxter asked.

“Where was he keeping them?” Nifty asked. 

“Guess that makes me ya new partner,” Angel smiled, as he started gathering fabrics.

“Partner in training!” Baxter corrected.

“Here, put these on. Traditional, ceremonial shit,” Angel explained, as he handed Nifty a red crop top and loincloth and Baxter a blue loincloth. Then he gave them both feathered crowns. “Ya public’s waiting,” he grinned.

Baxter and Nifty were about to start changing, then they looked back at Angel. “Um….do you mind?” Baxter asked.

“Nope!” Angel replied, before he realized what Baxter had meant. “Oh...wait, I got ya. Yeah, I’ll see ya when ya done!” he exclaimed, before walking out of the room.

Nifty noticed the expression on Baxter’s face, and she started to smile. “You think he’s cute, don’t you?” she asked.

“I mean….he’s…” Baxter began. “He’s trouble! Look, remember that little voice I told you about? Pretend that you have one. What does it say about Angel?” he asked, as he and Nifty started changing.

“That you have a crush on him?” Nifty asked.

“No! I do not! First of all, I don’t bother myself with trivial things like that. And second of all, we have a plan! If we throw Angel into the mix, it could ruin everything,” Baxter explained.

“Oh. I guess you’re right. I just want you to be happy, that’s all,” Nifty said.

“Getting a shit ton of gold and going back to Spain will make me happy,” Baxter replied.

The two finished getting dressed, and they looked at one another. “Do you really think we can pull this off?” Nifty asked.

“Trust me, we have this all under control,” Baxter smiled, before they left the temple to go to the feast.


	5. Give into Distractions

Baxter and Nifty had gotten EXTREMELY drunk at the feast. They barely remembered half of it, although they vaguely recalled having some sort of epic musical number. The next morning, two of them woke up to Valentino standing over them. 

“Good morning, your excellencies! Come on! Ceremony time,” he smiled.

Valentino left the temple and turned to Charlie with a smug smile. “And now it’s my turn,” he said. Charlie had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. “The gods have awakened!” Valentino yelled.

Baxter and Nifty walked out, and Angel was dropping flower petals on their path. “Psst, Angel, what’s happening?” Baxter whispered.

“Ya ain’t gonna like it,” Angel answered. 

“Huh?” Baxter asked.

“We have been given a fantastic blessing! But all we’ve done is host some dumbass feast,” Valentino said, as he shot Charlie another dirty look. “The gods deserve better! They deserve a real tribute!” he continued.

A sack held closed by a ribbon was brought out. Baxter and Nifty smiled as they wondered what they were about to get. “An occasion like this demands sacrifice!” Valentino exclaimed. 

The bag was opened, revealing a man with his hands tied together. “This isn’t good,” Baxter muttered.

“Baxter, we have to do something,” Nifty whispered. 

Valentino began pushing him towards the edge of the platform, near the water below. Before the man could be pushed in, Baxter shouted. “Stop!” he said. 

The two walked over, and Nifty pulled the man away from the ledge. “This isn’t a proper tribute!” Baxter yelled.

“You don’t want the tribute?” Valentino asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“No! No, we want tribute. It’s just….well you see….Baxter, you tell him!” Nifty said.

Baxter thought for a moment, then it hit him. “The stars! They aren’t in position for this tribute,” he said.

“That’s right. Stars. Can’t do it. Not today,” Nifty added.

“Well...I guess I could have misread things. Forgive me,” Valentino said. 

“Don’t worry about it! The error is human,” Nifty smiled.

“Your excellencies? The people of El Dorado would like to present their own tribute,” Charlie said. 

Many women walked onto the platform, all carrying trays full of gold. Baxter and Nifty were thrilled at the sight of it all. “So, do you like it?” Charlie asked.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Baxter shrugged, as he attempted to seem less impressed than he really was. 

“The gods have chosen! To Shi Balba?” Charlie asked.

“Don’t!” Angel whispered, only Baxter and Nifty didn’t hear him.

“To Shi Balba!” they repeated.

“For fuck’s sake….” Angel sighed.

The women holding the gold immediately began dumping it all into the water below. Nifty and Baxter could only watch in shock. “Um...Angel? What are they doing?” Nifty asked.

“They’re sending it to Shi Balba, the spirit world,” Angel returned.

“Spirit world…” Baxter muttered, as he watched the gold get swept away in the water.

“I’ll fix it,” Angel said, before he walked over to Charlie. “Chief, the gods think enough has been sent to Shi Balba. They wanna bask in the reverence we showed ‘em,” he explained.

“Oh okay!” Charlie smiled. She whistled to get everyone’s attention, and they stopped dumping the gold. “They want to bask! Take the tribute to the gods’ temple!” she yelled.

The servants nodded, and carried the rest of the gold to the temple. Angel smiled as he walked over to Nifty and Baxter. “Nice work,” Baxter said. 

The three of them headed into the temple, and Charlie gave Valentino a triumphant smile. “Smile while you can, bitch,” Valentino muttered.

Meanwhile, on the beach, Alastor and his men had just made anchor. Alastor noticed the lifeboat and footprints Nifty, Baxter, and Fat Nuggets left. “Well, well, well. Look what we have here,” he said.

Back in El Dorado, Baxter and Nifty were sitting in a gilded carriage, on a procession through the city. “I can still hardly believe it! In one day, we became richer than the king of Spain!” Baxter exclaimed.

“I know! Also, did you notice that Charlie and Val seem kinda….tense?” Nifty asked.

“Of course! We can use this though. We just need to keep pinning the one against the other. Then when we’re done dazzling these morons with a little smoke and mirrors, we get the fuck back to Spain,” explained Baxter.

“Cool! Hey Baxter, how are we going to get all of our new gold back to Spain?” Nifty asked.

Baxter’s eyes widened. “Um….” he began.

Later, the two of them were sitting across from Charlie. “A boat?” Charlie asked.

“Yep! We hate to leave so soon, but some family stuff came up. Y’know how it is,” Nifty replied.

“Oh okay. We just thought you’d be staying with us for the next thousand years or so,” Charlie said.

“Well, as we say in the spirit world, there’s your plan, and then there’s the gods’ plan,” Baxter shrugged. “And you see, our plan needs a boat. We go...vertical once we get out to sea,” he continued.

“To build a boat good enough for the gods would take...about a week,” Charlie said.

“A week?” Baxter asked. “I wonder how long it would take Valentino to do it….” he muttered.

“Actually, I bet I could make it three days!” Charlie smiled.

“If it’s the best you can do,” Nifty replied.

“Maybe if you didn’t have so much tribute to take, you could leave sooner,” Charlie said.

“Know what? Three days is perfect!” Baxter exclaimed.

Moments later, the two of them were back in the temple, and Baxter was nervously playing with a pair of earrings. “No...no three days is NOT okay,” he said. He noticed Angel looking around at the jewelry, and he tapped his shoulder. “These. These are nice,” he said.

“Thanks, shorty,” Angel smiled, before he put them on.

“Nifty, we cannot keep this up for three days,” Baxter said.

“Aww, it’ll be okay! You worry too much,” Nifty replied.

“Yeah! It’s what I do! We need to lie low. Just stay up here where it’s nice and quiet and nothing ever happens,” Baxter explained.

“But it’s amazing out there!” Nifty exclaimed, as she looked out over the city.

“NOPE! Stop fantasizing! We are staying up here! Promise?” Baxter asked.

“Okay, okay. I’ll lie low,” answered Nifty. 

“Good. Now, I’m going to go...look at the gold some more,” Baxter said, as he walked to one of the piles of treasure.

Angel smiled softly as he looked at Baxter, then he got an idea. He went over to Nifty. “The city is real pretty, don’t ya think?” he asked.

“It is!” Nifty smiled.

“Then ya shouldn’t miss it,” Angel replied.

“Oh...I can’t. I promised….” Nifty said.

“Go on. It’ll be fine! I’ll even cover for ya,” said Angel. 

“Really? Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Nifty cheered. She gave Angel a hug and ran out of the temple.

Not long after she left, Baxter walked back over. “Where’s Nifty?” he asked.

“I dunno,” Angel shrugged.

“Fuck! What do I do?! She’s gone!” Baxter shouted. He sat down and put his head in his hands. Angel smirked and walked behind him. 

“Nifty is right about ya. Ya worry too much, baby,” Angel said. He began massaging Baxter, and Baxter let out a sigh. He couldn’t help it; it felt amazing. 

He didn’t even mind when Angel stuck his hands down the back of his shirt. However, as soon as Angel’s hands got lower, Baxter snapped back to reality. “Wait! Wait!” he shouted, before he sprung up from the couch. “Look, we are in the middle of a con, okay? This is some pretty serious stuff. On the one hand, gold. On the other hand, painful, agonizing, failure,” Baxter explained.

Angel sighed and sat on the couch. “I just can’t afford any distractions. Besides, I’m above….trivial matters like physical pleasure,” Baxter continued.

“Oh are ya now?” Angel smirked.

“Yes! I am. There is nothing you could do or say that would break me,” Baxter stated.

“Whatever ya say. But I think ya want me, shorty. It’s written all over ya face,” replied Angel, causing Baxter to blush.

“I….I don’t know if I really trust you,” Baxter stammered.

“I ain’t asking ya to trust me, am I?” Angel asked.

“Um….” Baxter began, as he burned bright red.

“Look, we don’t gotta do anything crazy if ya don’t want. But could ya at least give me a massage? I’ve been so tense lately…” Angel said.

“Okay….” Baxter nodded.

He stood behind Angel and gently began rubbing his shoulders. Angel started to let out contented sighs and moans, and Baxter started blushing again. “Do you...do you like this?” he asked.

“I love it,” Angel sighed. “Lower?” he asked.

Baxter nodded and his hands drifted down Angel’s back. Maybe he could give into distractions this one time.


	6. Connecting

Nifty walked around the city, looking for someone to talk to, but there was no one in sight. The only person she spotted was one of the guards, a man named Pentious. “Hi! Excuse me, but do you know where everyone is?” Nifty asked.

“They’ve been cleared from the streets, my lady, so the city can be cleansed. Just as you ordered,” Pentious replied.

“Cleansed?” repeated Nifty.

“Indeed. So that the Age of the Jaguar can begin. As you ordered, my lady,” Pentious answered.

Nifty had no idea what any of that meant, so she just pretended she did. “Okay, okay. So you just...sent everybody away?” Nifty asked.

“Of course, my lady! Anyone who disobeys your orders are to be brutally punished, just as you ordered,” Pentious explained.

“Geez! I guess I’ve been giving a lot of orders, huh?” Nifty muttered.

“Valentino has made your orders clear to us,” Pentious said.

“He has?” Nifty asked. “Alright, here’s an order. Take the day off. And tell everyone they can come back out,” she stated.

“But….why?” Pentious asked.

“Are you really questioning the gods?” Nifty asked.

“No madame! I’ll get to it,” Pentious replied.

He ran off and told people it was safe to come out. Moments later, a few people walked out, but they seemed too afraid to approach Nifty. Nifty sighed and started strumming a guitar she found, then she saw Fat Nuggets. 

“Hi, Nuggets! I was wondering where you went,” Nifty smiled. A few small children walked out from behind Nuggets, and Nifty waved at them. They still seemed nervous, and stayed by the horse.

Nifty started playing the guitar again, and now the children walked over. A crowd of people came over, and all of them wanted to listen to Nifty play. Some of them started dancing. A man had been eyeing the guitar, so Nifty passed it to him. When he started to play, Nifty walked off to see the rest of what El Dorado had to offer.

It was then Nifty began to realize the true beauty of the city. It wasn’t just a place made of gold, but a vibrant, flourishing community. There were colorful birds and fish; kinds that Nifty had never seen before. Looking at all of the unique wildlife and learning about El Dorado’s rich culture may have been the most fun Nifty had in a while.

Soon she was happily playing ball with a group of kids as Valentino and Pentious watched from the distance. “I...didn’t expect the gods to be such pussies. Maybe Lord Baxter will enlighten me,” Valentino said, before he looked over at Pentious. “How do I look?” he asked.

“Oh! Er….very nice!” Pentious replied.

“Suck up,” Valentino deadpanned, before he walked away.

Back at the temple, Angel and Baxter had finished having sex not long ago. Now the both of them were half dressed and cuddling. Angel was trailing kisses along Baxter’s neck, and Baxter sighed happily. 

“Wow...just...wow,” he whispered.

“Ya know, for an ameature, ya pretty damn good at this,” Angel said.

“Really?” Baxter asked.

“Oh yeah. Ya fantastic,” Angel replied, as he kept kissing him. 

“Thanks. You’re...you’re pretty great. I really liked this,” Baxter said. 

“Me too, baby. Are ya up for round two?” Angel smirked, as he ran a hand through Baxter’s hair.

“Erm...I-I’d like that,” Baxter answered, as he started blushing.

“My lord?” called Valentino from outside the temple.

“Fuck!” Angel gasped. “The high priest. What’s he gonna think if he finds one of the gods like this with me?” he asked. 

“Uh, lucky god?” Baxter asked, still in absolute bliss.

“We gotta get ya fixed up,” Angel whispered, as he passed Baxter his shirt.

“Hello?” Valentino repeated. He was starting to get impatient, so he just stepped inside. 

Baxter ran over to him, brushing himself off. “Hey, there Valentino! What brings you here?” he asked.

“I was wondering if I could have a word with you, my lord,” Valentino replied.

“Sure thing, what can I do for you?” asked Baxter.

“My lord, I have just seen Lady Nifty out with the people,” Valentino explained.

“You have?!” Baxter yelled.

“I have. Would you mind if I gave you a little...piece of advice?” Valentino asked.

Angel casually walked over to Baxter, as if they weren’t intimate with one another moments ago. “Yes! Go right ahead,” Baxter nodded.

“My lord, you are perfect. You’re incredibly wise, extremely regal, and undeniably sexy,” Valentino explained.

“Oh...uh...thank you,” Baxter awkwardly said.

“But in your perfection, you cannot know how imperfect humans are. Like snakes they are. Spineless and slippery. They are as untrustworthy as rats, stealing and cheating with no remorse. Spinning webs of lies, like spiders!” Valentino explained.

“Alright, alright, I get it! That’s disgusting,” Baxter stated.

“They’re disgusting as hell!” Valentino yelled.

“Oh yeah. Definitely,” Baxter said.

“Oh good! We’re on the same page,” Valentino grinned. “I’ll get started on the preparations as soon as possible. Do you like having your victims tied to an altar, or do you like it better when they’re free-range? And will you be devouring their essence whole, or in little pieces?” he asked.

“Uh...well, Val, you lost me,” Baxter replied.

“It’s very simple, my lord. In order for these people to respect you, they have to fear you,” Valentino stated.

“Oh of course! And, we’ll make them fear us by--,” Baxter began.

“A sacrifice! Just the way it was prophesied! The history of the Age of the Jaguar will be written in…” Valentino started.

“Ink?” Baxter guessed.

“Blood!” Valentino exclaimed.

“Blood! Oh, right. I should probably consult with Lady Nifty. This is some very important shit. She and I should discuss the entire, uh, blood issue right away,” Baxter said.

He held Angel’s hand, and the two of them walked past Valentino. “Excuse us, won’t you?” he asked. 

Valentino smiled as he watched Angel and Baxter walk away. “Finally, we’re connecting,” he sighed.

Meanwhile, Alastor and his crew were making their way through the jungle. “We’re close. I can feel it,” he said.


	7. Play Ball

Nifty was still in the city, playing ball with the kids, when Baxter ran over to her, closely followed by Angel. “What the hell are you doing?” Baxter hissed.

“Lying low! Just like you said,” Nifty answered.

“Look, there’s been a change of plans. We need to get what we can, and leave as soon as possible,” Baxter explained.

“Why?” Nifty asked.

“Because Valentino is fucking insane!” Baxter replied.

Shortly after that, Valentino walked over. “I can’t believe this! The gods shouldn’t be playing ball like this!” he shouted.

“Exactly!” Baxter nodded.

“This is how the gods should play ball!” Valentino yelled.

Soon, they were all in an arena. There were two walls, and each wall had a hoop on it. Baxter glared at Nifty. “Don’t blame me!” she exclaimed.

“Oh I blame you!” Baxter returned. As the crowd cheered, Baxter looked over at Angel. “What’s the object of this little game?” he asked.

“Ya gotta knock the ball through the hoop,” Angel answered.

“What hoop?” Baxter asked.

“That hoop,” Angel said, as he pointed at the hoop high above them.

“We’re fucked! We’re going to lose,” Baxter said.

“A little word of advice, gods don’t lose,” Angel whispered.

Valentino snapped his fingers, and a group of muscular men rushed over. “Your excellencies, El Dorado’s warriors are the greatest ball players in the city. Fifteen mere mortals, against two gods,” he explained. “I know, I know, it’s very uneven. But I hoped they could at least make the game interesting for the two of you. Play ball!” Valentino shouted.

He placed the ball on the ground and started to walk away. “Fucking obliterate those bastards,” he grinned, before leaving.

Baxter and Nifty watched, completely frozen, as the warriors rushed towards them. They kicked the ball, and Nifty and Baxter ducked out of the way. Valentino and Charlie both raised an eyebrow. “Your excellencies…..shouldn’t you have put the ball into play?” asked Valentino.

“Oh! No, no, we were demonstrating the….first avoidance maneuver,” Baxter replied.

“Uh huh. I’ve never heard of that,” Valentino said.

“Excuse me, but who invented this game?” Nifty asked.

“The gods,” Valentino answered. 

“I’m warning you, don’t push your luck with that guy,” Baxter whispered.

“Oh c’mon, Baxter! We’re the gods,” Nifty smiled.

The game actually began, and Baxter and Nifty hadn’t scored a single point. The two of them were exhausted, and seemed just about ready to give up. The ball bounced over to where Angel was sitting, and he looked at the armadillo rolled up beside him. Angel got an idea, so he picked the armadillo up and ran over to Baxter and Nifty.

“How long does this game last?” Baxter panted. 

“The game is over when the shadow touches that line,” Angel explained, as he pointed it out.

“We need a miracle!” exclaimed Nifty.

“We need to cheat,” Baxter stated.

“That’s just why I came over here,” Angel smiled. The armadillo peaked out, and Baxter carefully took it.

Angel sat back down, and the game started again. The armadillo ensured that Baxter and Nifty would get all the points going forward, and soon their score was tied with the warriors’. The crowd was going wild, and Nifty and Baxter were very proud of themselves. “Who’s the god?” Baxter asked.

“You the god!” Nifty replied.

“No, you the god!” Baxter smiled, before knocking the armadillo towards Angel.

“Wooo!” Angel cheered. He picked a ball up and tossed it to them, but at that moment, he realized the armadillo was still sitting by him. “Oh shit!” Angel gasped.

Baxter and Nifty brought Fat Nuggets into the arena, and the two rode him as they confidently bounced the ball around. They waved at Angel, but they saw him holding the real armadillo. Baxter got nervous and tossed the ball upwards, accidentally elbowing Nifty. Once she recovered, Nifty kicked the ball into the hoop, however it didn’t go all the way through. Everyone held their breath as they watched, waiting to see if the ball would fall through. Fat Nuggets kicked the wall, causing the ball to fall through.

Everyone cheered as the shadow reached the line, signifying the end of the game. “We did it!” Nifty cheered.

“Hell yeah we did!” Baxter yelled, before he gave her a hug. Angel ran over, and Baxter hugged him too.

“Ya were amazing!” he exclaimed.

“Thanks! We couldn’t have done it without you. Literally,” Baxter smiled.

Charlie and Valentino started walking over to them. “Your excellencies, congratulations on your victory! And now, the losing team will be sacrificed in your honor,” Valentino grinned.

“Not again…” Nifty muttered, finally feeling completely fed up with this. “Valentino!” she shouted.

“Nifty….” Baxter started, but she only ignored him.

“Listen, we don’t want any sacrifices!” Nifty yelled.

“Please! All of the sacred writing has said that you take joy in consuming the evil and unjust,” Valentino replied.

“And I don’t see anyone here like that,” Nifty said.

“Well, as speaker for the gods, allow me to point them out to you,” Valentino stated, as he motioned towards Charlie.

“The gods are speaking for themselves now! The people of this city don’t need to listen to you anymore! There will be no more sacrifices! Not now and not ever again!” Nifty exclaimed.

The crowd cheered as Valentino stood there in shock. Nifty walked over and glared up at him. “Get out,” she stated.

Valentino gasped and looked over at Charlie, but she simply shrugged. Valentino turned back to Nifty, and he noticed something. Nifty had a tiny cut above one of her eyebrows. He grinned the second he saw blood dripping out of it. “As the gods command,” he said, before walking away.

The warriors cheered and picked up Nifty and Baxter. “Hey, not bad for my first commandment, huh?” Nifty smiled.

“Nifty…..remember that little-,” Baxter began, before he realized there really wasn’t any point. “Oh, fine,” he shrugged.

Valentino headed to his hideout, and he and Pentious stared at a stone tablet that had carvings of the gods on it. “Do you know why the gods demand blood?” Valentino asked.

“I...I don’t know. Do they think it tastes good or something?” Pentious asked.

“No, dumbass!” Valentino shouted. He cut his hand with a dagger and wiped the blood on the goddess that resembled Nifty. “It’s because gods don’t bleed,” he stated, as his hand magically healed. “It’s time I took matters into my own hands. This city will be cleansed. Even if I have to do it myself,” he added.

“How?” Pentious asked.

“I have my ways. There are dark magics here; the kind your weak little mind could never comprehend! But it will be the perfect way to bid the false gods goodbye,” Valentino grinned.


	8. Forget The Plan

Baxter and Nifty’s boat still wasn’t finished, but construction had been going along nicely. Nifty kept having fun around El Dorado, while Baxter and Angel continued to grow closer to one another. Without Valentino to worry about, everything seemed to be going fine.

Nifty and Charlie met on the boat so Nifty could view their progress. “Well….erm...it’s nice!” Nifty smiled.

“Do you think so?” Charlie asked.

“Yeah! But uh…” Nifty began.

“But what?” asked Charlie.

“Is it really fit for the gods? Like...trust me, chief. I have seen plenty of boats over the years. And that thing...the pointy thing...the long...stick thing,” Nifty said, as she motioned towards what she was talking about.

“The mast?” Charlie asked.

“That’s it! The mast. The mast is good, it is, but it needs more….more rope,” Nifty explained.

“Rope?” Charlie asked, as she raised an eyebrow.

“Yep! If Baxter and I are going to pull off vertical ascension, we’ll need way more rope!” Nifty replied.

“Um...my lady?” Charlie asked, as Nifty ran over to the side of the boat.

“And look at this thing! It doesn’t look very secure,” she said. Nifty slammed her hand on it in an attempt to prove a point, but she just wound up hurting herself. “Ow!” she exclaimed. “Anywho, chief, I’m sorry, but it looks like this boat is a complete do-over,” she said.

Charlie paused a moment, then she smiled and walked over to Nifty. “Lady Nifty, if you want to stay, you just need to say so,” she said.

Nifty’s eyes widened, and she looked up at Charlie. “You mean...forever?” she asked.

“Of course” Charlie answered.

Nifty looked down at the boat and sighed. “I’d love to, chief. I just can’t. I can’t just leave Baxter like that. We’re partners,” she said.

“I guess you two have big plans in the other world, hmm?” Charlie asked.

“Yep. Pretty big plans,” answered Nifty. 

“That’s alright. I admire your loyalty,” Charlie smiled. “Now, I’ve gotta go get some more rope,” she added.

“Oh, chief! You can forget about the rope. That was my mistake,” Nifty said.

“Hey, the error is human,” Charlie replied. 

Nifty was about to leave the boat, but at Charlie’s words, she stopped dead in her tracks. She looked over at Charlie, who simply gave her a knowing smile. Nifty smiled back, then she headed out.

Meanwhile, up in the temple, Baxter and Angel were negotiating. “Half?!” Baxter shouted.

“Yep,” Angel nodded.

“On no, definitely not. How about this? I take you to Spain, like you wanted. And since you’ve been such a great help, I can throw in….ten percent,” Baxter said.

“Ya know, maybe I won’t go to Spain with ya and just take it back,” Angel smirked.

“Oh really? Like you don’t want to go to Spain,” Baxter stated.

“Aw, like ya don’t want me to wanna go to Spain,” returned Angel.

“I want you to want….what you want,” Baxter stammered.

Angel was caught off guard by this. People hardly ever asked him what he wanted. “I’m listening,” he said.

“I want you to come to Spain with me and Nifty. But mostly me. Only me. Forget about Nifty. If you want though,” Baxter replied.

“Well….as long as if that’s what ya want...me too,” Angel smiled, as he took a step closer to Baxter.

“Okay. Cool,” Baxter said, as his cheeks began turning pink. “Deal?” he asked, taking another step forward.

“Deal,” Angel replied, before he pulled Baxter into a kiss. Baxter lovingly kissed Angel back. He was still extremely happy about all the gold he found in El Dorado, however (and he would never admit this out loud) he considered finding Angel to be the best thing that happened to him.

Angel on the other hand didn’t expect to care about Baxter half as much as he did. Because of some inexplicable reason, they clicked. Whatever the reason, Angel was absolutely thrilled to go back to Spain for him. He’d happily go to the ends of the Earth for Baxter.

As they kissed, the two of them didn’t notice Nifty watching from the doorway. Tears welled in her eyes as she saw them kiss. She wanted Baxter to be happy, and a part of her loved seeing him with someone, however she didn’t expect her friend to disregard her so quickly. “Forget about Nifty….well, forget about Baxter,” she stated.

Nifty turned and started heading down the steps, hoping to go someplace to clear her head. Maybe she would wind up staying in El Dorado. It wasn’t as if Baxter would miss her….

Meanwhile, Valentino had made Pentious stir something for him. The liquid emitted a mysterious purple glow, and Valentino looked it over. “Are you finished yet?” he asked.

“Almost! You can’t rush these things!” returned Pentious. He took a spoonful of the liquid and passed it to Valentino. 

Valentino rolled his eyes and smacked it away. “I already know that it’s missing something,” he said.

“What could it possibly be missing?” Pentious asked.

“Just a little hint of….body!” Valentino exclaimed, before he threw Pentious into the liquid.

As soon as Pentious had been tossed in, the smoke coming off the liquid began to light up and change colors. The sheer force of the power knocked Valentino back. He laughed as it started coursing through his veins and went up through his jaguar statue. He watched as his movements and the statue’s became perfectly synched.

“Oh...this is fucking perfect!” Valentino exclaimed.

That night, Baxter and Nifty were attending another celebration in their honor. However, Baxter didn’t notice how upset Nifty looked. “This is an amazing sendoff! After today, we’ll be back in Spain and living like royalty,” Baxter smiled.

He noticed Angel standing a few feet away, so he shyly waved at him. Angel smiled and blew Baxter a kiss, only causing him to blush again.

“Don’t you think royalty is a bit of a step down from god?” Nifty asked.

“Nifty, we can’t stay here. We have a plan, remember!” Baxter exclaimed.

“Would it be so bad if we just...forgot about the plan?” Nifty asked.

“Nifty….are you okay?” Baxter asked.

“Oh, so now you give a shit about me? That’s surprising,” Nifty stated.

Baxter opened his mouth to say something, however, the massive jaguar statue appeared. Baxter and Nifty did the only thing they could think to do, so they screamed like little girls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I just wanted to take a minute to mention a few really good Hazbin Hotel parodies made by some friends of mine! 
> 
> animechess69- RED https://archiveofourown.org/works/29752449/chapters/73182906
> 
> TrueKindaLove19- Scream https://archiveofourown.org/works/27500437/chapters/67844002
> 
> The_First_Phoenix462- Quest for Camelot https://archiveofourown.org/works/28952154/chapters/71041557
> 
> ToastyBoi17- Dear Evan Hansen  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/27560329/chapters/67410466
> 
> Alastors_Radio- they did a lot, but they just finished this Little Mermaid one I really like  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/29310888/chapters/71980485
> 
> I just wanted to give them a quick shoutout because all of them are really cool, and if you like my parodies, you’ll probably like theirs.


	9. The Jaguar

Baxter and Nifty were still panicking at the sight of the stone jaguar, and Valentino began laughing. “Now everyone will know what worthless pieces of shit you really are!” he yelled.

The jaguar ran through the streets of El Dorado, heading straight for Baxter and Nifty. The both of them were too afraid to move, but Angel ran over, riding Fat Nuggets. “What are ya waiting for?! Get on!” he shouted. 

Nifty and Baxter hopped on, and the group began running from the jaguar. However, the statue continued to chase after them. Fat Nuggets started running up the stairs to the temple, but the jaguar knocked him to the side. Angel, Baxter, and Nifty were sent flying off the horse, with Angel landing further away from the others.

Angel looked up and saw the massive stone creature heading towards him. “Baxter!” he shouted.

In the heat of the moment, Baxter picked up a small rock. “Hey, asshole!” he shouted, as he tossed it at the jaguar. The jaguar turned to Baxter. “Fight me, motherfucker!” he added.

At that, the jaguar started running towards Baxter and Nifty. “Fat Nuggets, get Angel out of here,” Baxter ordered.

The horse ran off to save Angel, and Nifty and Baxter continued to run from the jaguar. Their chase led them to a pit of lava. Baxter and Nifty managed to avoid it, but the jaguar fell in. The two of them thought they were safe, but the jaguar simply climbed out, completely unphased.

Baxter and Nifty started running again, however, they reached a ledge. It was the same ledge they had been on the day Valentino offered them their first sacrifice, and there was a whirlpool spinning in the waters below. Baxter and Nifty simply stood there as the jaguar got closer and closer, with Valentino by its side. “I know what you are. And I know what you’re not. And you aren’t gods!” he yelled.

Baxter and Nifty were speechless for a moment, then Baxter glared at Nifty. “You’re not a god?!” he yelled. “You lied to me?” he asked. He was hoping that Nifty would take the hint, and the two of them could play it off the same way they did the loaded dice back in Spain. However, Nifty didn’t say a word. “How DARE you!” he continued.

Nifty sighed and looked at Valentino. “Look, it was Baxter’s stupid plan!” she shouted.

“Oh no it wasn’t! My plan was just to lie low and play it safe! But you just wanted to fuck around! You ran around the city like ‘Oh look at me, I’m a goddess!’” Baxter mocked.

“That’s not true!” Nifty returned.

“No? You’ve got to be kidding me! You’re buying your own con!” shouted Baxter.

“At least I’m not dating mine,” Nifty shrugged.

“You’re the one who wanted me to put myself out there!” Baxter yelled.

“But I didn’t think you’d turn around and forget about me!” Nifty shouted.

“I didn’t! Look, if I had it my way, the two of us would be sailing back to Spain with a mountain of gold. But we can’t do that, because you didn’t fucking listen to me!” Baxter snapped, as he gave Nifty a shove.

“Well, now you have all the gold you could ever want, plus Angel! So what do you need me for?” Nifty asked, as she shoved Baxter back.

Valentino was too busy watching their fight to actually say anything. He thrived for drama like this. 

“Maybe I don’t need you!” Baxter returned.

“In that case, why don’t I stay here, you go back to Spain, and we both get what we want?” Nifty asked, before shoving Baxter again. 

“That’s fine with me, Nifty!” Baxter yelled, before shoving her back.

“Me too!” Nifty shouted, before she slapped Baxter across the face.

“Oooh!” Valentino said.

“Fine!” Baxter yelled, just before he slapped Nifty in the face as well. 

“Okay!” Nifty stated, before she punched Baxter.

“Damn!” Valentino exclaimed.

“Alright!” the two of them finished, before they both punched Valentino in the face. He was sent flying backwards.

“Tie him up!” Baxter yelled. 

He and Nifty grabbed vines to use as ropes and began running over to him. Valentino used his powers to make the jaguar come running again. “Jump!” Baxter yelled.

He and Nifty jumped off the ledge, but used their vines to hang onto it. The jaguar pounced, but it wound up falling off the ledge, knocking Valentino off with him. The high priest screamed as he plunged into the whirlpool below.

When Valentino opened his eyes again, he had washed up on a riverbank, and Alastor was standing before him. Valentino automatically assumed the explorer was a god, because surely he couldn’t get this wrong twice. “My lord,” he said, before going into a deep bow.

Alastor just eyed Valentino’s golden earrings and pointed his gun at him. “Where did you get these?” he asked, causing Valentino to grin.

Back in El Dorado, Baxter and Nifty were still clinging to the vines. “That was good! We did a good-,” Baxter began, before he noticed the look Nifty was giving him. He had never seen her look so mad before. Baxter watched as she climbed up, back onto the ledge.

When Nifty reached the ledge, everyone began to cheer for her. Baxter climbed up too. “Nifty?” he asked.

Either Nifty didn’t hear him or simply ignored him, but she ran over to Charlie. “Charlie! Charlie! I decided to stay,” she said.

Charlie gasped and pulled her into a hug. “That’s amazing!” she smiled, before letting go. “Everyone! Lady Nifty decided to live with us in El Dorado!” she cheered.

“Baxter! Baxter!” Angel shouted. He pushed past the crowd and ran over to Baxter. “Are ya okay?” he asked.

Nifty and Baxter shared one final look at each other. “Everything….everything is fine,” Baxter stated. 

Angel looked at Nifty, then back at Baxter. “Do ya wanna go talk to her?” he asked.

“No. We’re just...choosing different paths. I knew our partnership had to end sooner or later,” Baxter sighed. “Let’s head inside. I’m exhausted,” he said.

“Okay, baby. Whatever ya say,” Angel said. 

As Nifty talked with Charlie, Angel and Baxter walked inside of the temple, hand in hand. It seemed like Baxter and Nifty’s greatest adventure truly was over.


	10. Friends Never Say Goodbye

The next day, Baxter and Nifty prepared to part ways. Baxter got everything he needed to go back to Spain, and Nifty figured she would see him off. They didn’t talk to one another as they got ready, and soon the two of them were walking out of the temple.

Charlie smiled as she walked up to Baxter. “It was nice to meet you, Lord Baxter,” she said.

“You too, Charlie,” Baxter replied. Charlie hugged him without warning, and Baxter awkwardly hugged her back.

Meanwhile, Angel walked over to Nifty. They didn’t exactly know what to say to one another, but Nifty didn’t want to end things on bad terms. After all, it wasn’t Angel she was upset with. She smiled and held out a hand. Angel smiled and pulled her into a hug. Nifty happily hugged him back.

Baxter said his goodbyes to Fat Nuggets, and soon, he and Angel were getting on the boat. Before they got on, Nifty ran over and tapped Baxter’s shoulder. “Baxter? Good luck,” she said.

“Yeah. You too,” Baxter nodded. He and Angel got onto their boat and started preparing to set sail. 

At that moment, a warrior ran over to Charlie. “Chief! An army of strangers is coming!” he exclaimed.

“We’ll be just fine. They won’t be able to find the gate to the city,” Charlie replied.

“But Valentino is leading them!” the warrior continued.

“Oh shit! We need to stop them!” Charlie yelled.

Nifty and Baxter shared the same thought. It had to be Alastor. “Charlie! There’s no way to stop them,” Nifty said. 

Baxter thought for a moment, and he looked at the gate. “Tell me ya got a plan,” Angel whispered.

“I...I think so! Okay, okay….here’s the boat, and there’s the gate,” Baxter explained, as he set up a model.

“Cool, now what?” Angel asked.

“Well, here’s the boat and there’s the gate,” Baxter repeated. “And here’s….there’s….dammit! I’ve got nothing!” he yelled.

In his anger, Baxter accidentally knocked over a cup of water. The model crashed, finally giving Baxter an idea. “That’s it! We can crash the boat into the pillars!” he exclaimed.

“Ya sure? What about the gold?” Angel asked.

“Um….some sacrifices have to be made,” answered Baxter. “Charlie! I have a plan!” he smiled.

Meanwhile, Valentino was confidently leading Alastor and his men through the jungle. “It had better be there. For your sake,” Alastor stated.

Back in El Dorado, the warriors had gotten everything in place. Ropes hung from the pillars, and Baxter and Angel were ready to set off. “Alright, Charlie! On my signal, hit the pillar. Now!” Baxter shouted.

“Go!” Charlie yelled.

The warriors slammed a stone column against the pillar, weakening its base. Baxter watched, and his eyes widened. “The base is going too fast!” he exclaimed.

“Baxter! The sail!” Angel exclaimed. 

Baxter ran over to the sail to release it, but he couldn’t pull the rope. Charlie and the warriors used the ropes to try holding the pillar back and buy him some time.

“They’re not going to make it! Fat Nuggets!” Nifty called.

Fat Nuggets ran over, and Nifty hopped on his back. The two of them ran over to the boat and lept onto it, and Nifty managed to pull down the sail.

“Nifty! Nifty, you have to get off the boat or you’ll never see the city again!” Baxter exclaimed.

“I know. But you don’t think I’ll let you have all the fun, do you?” Nifty asked.

The two of them smiled at one another. Once their boat was out of the pillar’s way, the warriors released it, allowing it to fall into the water. Baxter, Nifty, Angel, and Fat Nuggets rode the wave through the gateway. As they rode through the quickly flooding cave, their boat slammed against the walls, causing the gold to fall out.

The boat crashed into a pair of rock columns, causing the four of them to fall out of the boat. The cave collapsed behind them, and they landed on the other side of the waterfall, alive, but with no gold to speak of. 

“We did it! We did it!” Nifty smiled.

“Yeah, we did it. Now we gotta hide. I think I hear somebody,” Angel whispered. 

The group hid behind a rock and watched as Valentino, Alastor, and the crew approached. Valentino looked at the waterfall, but was shocked to see the entrance covered up by rocks. “What the fuck?!” he shouted.

“Why, you lying heathen. There’s nothing here!” Alastor yelled.

“No! No! My lord, you have to understand, it’s here! It’s real!” insisted Valentino.

“Oh, of course there is. As soon as my men and I reach our next stop, I’ll happily punish you for wasting my time. Seize him!” Alastor ordered.

Two soldiers grabbed Valentino as they all started to leave. Valentino turned to look at the waterfall one last time, and he saw Angel step out from behind the rock and give him a smug smirk. 

“AH FUCK YOU ALL!” Valentino shouted, as he was dragged away.

As soon as the crew was out of sight, Baxter, Nifty, and Fat Nuggets came out of hiding. “Now that was an adventure!” Nifty smiled.

“It really was. But it was so...much….gold!” Baxter sobbed. All of their gold had been lost, apart from a pair of horseshoes Fat Nuggets had on. Baxter sighed and collected himself. “I’m okay,” he said.

“Good,” Angel smiled, before he kissed Baxter’s cheek. “Let’s go,” he said.

As Angel climbed onto Fat Nuggets, Nifty held out her hand to Baxter. “Partners?” she asked.

“Partners!” he replied, before shaking her hand.

“C’mon, guys! Unless the two of ya wanna stay here forever,” Angel said.

“But we don’t have a map!” Nifty exclaimed.

“We don’t have a plan!” Baxter added.

“Yeah! That’s what makes it fun!” Angel smiled.

“You’re right!” replied Baxter. 

He and Nifty sat behind Angel. “Let’s follow that trail!” Angel exclaimed. Before they could ride off, Nifty and Baxter fell off the horse. “C’mon, bitches!” he called.

“Wait! Nuggets! Sit!” Nifty ordered, as she started running after them.

“Angel! We aren’t on the horse!” Baxter shouted, as he followed the others.

Eventually, Angel let the two of them on. The trio rode off into the distance, ready to find their next adventure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that ends another parody! I’d like to thank all of you for reading this! I hope you guys liked it!
> 
> Next up, I plan on doing Ghostbusters, Igor, and definitely more Disney movies, so stay tuned!


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